Donovan does not see a bright future, and sometimes has suicidal thoughts as a way to escape his situation as a caregiver.

Transcript

I guess I think about that from time to time. I know that, from here on, it’s not going to get any better for either one of us. Things are just going to gradually, steadily go downhill for both of us. My health is not going stay good forever, I know that. I mean, if I were to have a heart attack and die, then a whole series of things would have to kick into gear for her… Yeah, I fear for things, and sometimes I get so fed up with the way things are that I thought about the possibility of killing myself. I don’t hesitate to talk about that, I’ve done it in recently in one of the support groups. I know I won’t, but it crosses my mind because of the need to get out of the situation. I’m just not enjoying life, the way things are. I’m not getting much enjoyment out of life—did I just say that? Maybe I changed it slightly. Yeah, I’m not getting any, any enjoyment really out of life. And I’m looking for, I really strongly need socializing. But, then I stop and think “Well, if I do end up getting some socializing, is that going to, is that going to solve anything in the way I’m functioning and feeling?”

But this disease has destroyed, in so many respects, our marriage. It has destroyed it. And there’s nothing that can be done about it, nothing; totally destroyed what we had hoped would be the latter part of our lives, and I’m, as you know from my information, I’m 77 next week and I can count the, count down the years that I’ve got left to live and I feel that I’m missing out, really missing out on this latter part of my life, really missing out. So that bothers me. I don’t know if you expected anybody in my situation to talk about that sort of thing, I’m not sure if this is something new that you might be hearing from a caregiver, is it?

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